We’ve had two prior adventures with Republican Jesus, and each time I mention that support for Trump among white evangelical voters remains strong. It’s been a week of harrowing and tragic news, through which Trump has waded with his usual lack of nuance and compassion, which continues to make Christian support for Trump ever more baffling. How can Christians support someone who seems so Un-Christian? For those of you not well versed in biblical text, I’m here to help. They support Trump because Jesus was actually a Republican, case in point:
Republican Jesus had returned to the temple court to teach once more, and the Pharisees brought a woman accused of adultery before him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”
Republican Jesus didn’t answer right away, instead opting to do some writing in the sand, but eventually he straightened and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her, for it is your right to bear stones.”
There was silence, and one of the disciples spoke up from behind Republican Jesus in a low voice, “teacher, can you explain that second bit?” The woman looked fearful of the Pharisees, and the disciple knew Jesus’ words needed to be precise in so precarious a situation.
“Certainly it’s these men’s God given right to bear stones, and there’s no law against them bearing stones?” Jesus checked with the Pharisees who all shrugged and nodded in murmuring agreement. “I’m not taking issue with their right to bear stones, I want that to be clear,” Jesus paused for the murmured assent from the Pharisees and continued, “simply that they be responsible stone owners.”
“But Lord, without sin?” The woman pleaded, still cowering in the dirt, hoping to guide Jesus toward a clearer message that might save her.
“Of course, as in stoning someone who trespassed when you did not trespass against them. A responsible stone owner knows stones are just for self-defense.” Jesus glanced across the courtyard and once again was met with general concordance from the Pharisees.
“And someone who passes a sensible background check for owning stones is one without sin? Can we institute that perhaps?” The disciple tried, even though by now the Pharisees had mostly lowered their stone pelting arms.
“Whoa, these are God given instruments,” Republican Jesus retorted, “and besides that the laws of man are ineffectual at stopping evil.”
“So what does the law of God say we should do to stop sinful and unlawful use of stones by sinful men?” Another person challenged from within the crowd.
Jesus helped the woman up from the dirt and waved at the Pharisees as he escorted her from the courtyard, “Try thoughts and prayers.”