In our last adventure with Republican Jesus, I mentioned that support for Trump among white evangelical voters remains strong. It’s been another week of startling news from Trump, which continues to make Christian support for Trump ever more baffling. How can Christians support someone who seems so Un-Christian? For those of you not well versed in biblical text, I’m here to help. They support Trump because Jesus was actually a Republican, case in point:
Republican Jesus had been crucified and risen after three days. Two of his disciples who had seen the returned messiah told the other nine that Republican Jesus had instructed them to go to a mountain in Galilee. When they arrived, Republican Jesus was waiting on them as promised and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,”
“All nations?” one of the disciples said in awe of the command. Getting around the different cities of Israel was tough enough, how to cover the ground of the Roman empire, far less the other foreign nations and lands was going to take some serious capital and planning on part of the disciples.
Republican Jesus squinted in thought, pouted and shook his head, “well you can skip those shit hole countries in Africa and wherever else,” there was the sound of fidgeting among the disciples gathered and many traded glances wondering who should speak first but Republican Jesus continued, “why do we have them coming here? Do we really need more?” Republican Jesus asked the question as if it were obvious.
One disciple spoke up, placating Republican Jesus’ point for the group, “perhaps it will be very difficult for us to reach those countries anyway. If they come to us-“
“Why do we need them? Take them out.” The disciple slumped back onto the ground with the other disciples in exasperation. Republican Jesus continued, “no, we want other better nations. We don’t want to become a dumping ground of those others nations’ problems. When those other nations sends people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us.”
“But, Lord, you helped Jews and Gentiles alike?”
“Yeah? Well if those gentiles don’t like it they can go back where they came from and fix their souls before telling us how to fix ours.”