Five Talents – Corporate Policies and Procedures

I already detailed in a prior post that Hell in Five Talents is run like a business. Like any business, it has departments and has its internal policies for employee conduct and malfeasance. Naturally, they have a policy on Sexual Harassment and the appropriate response to victims of sexual harassment depending on the order of demon. I believe it’s analogous to Donald Trump’s views on the matter:


Sexual harassment is looked down upon when it gets in the way of Hell getting souls. If it happens on your own time and between assignments, keep it to yourself. No one likes a tattle tale and snitches get stitches. Hell’s official policies on sexual harassment are broken down in the following categories of demonic order and house of sin.

Please refer to the following guide before completing the sample form UWHR-WC13 to ensure that your complaint will not just be tossed in the rubbish and instead end up in the appropriate unending quagmire of bureaucratic distribution, review and inaction.

If your complaint is against a….

Demon: What are they sexually harassing you with? They don’t have physical forms. If you’re being possessed by one and they’re making your physical form do things, technically they’re not sexually harassing you. Possession makes it their body. If anything, they’re just masturbating while you watch from the backseat of the body’s mind space.

Imp: Poor little guys, they try so hard.

…a Devil from the order of…

Sloth: You actually got them to move enough to do something that could be considered harassing?

Envy: If they’re sexually harassing you, just harass someone else so they’ll want that person more and leave you alone.

Avarice: Keep something shiny in your pockets at all times to use as a distraction.

Gluttony: Odds are your limbs just look like a turkey leg. Stop tanning so much.

Lechery: Well, duh.

Pride: Honestly? You should probably take this one as a compliment.

Wrath: First aid kits are available in bathrooms on every level.

Author: Y. Balloo

Amateur novelist / Work in progress.

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